Resident data ends at 3630, program starts at 3630, file ends at 19e00

Starting analysis pass at address 3630

End of analysis pass, low address = 3630, high address = 13f7c


[Start of text]

S001: ""Detective""
S002: "
An Interactive MiSTing
By C.E. Forman (ceforman@worldnet.att.net)
Created using Unix Inform 5.5
Original AGT version by Matt Barringer
(Thanks to Gareth Rees for his help with the code!)
SILVER SCREEN EDITION!!!
"
S003: "950703"
S004: "5/11"
S005: "a"
S006: "You can't go that way."
S007: "the"
S008: "the"
S009: "the"
S010: "the"
S011: "the"
S012: "the"
S013: "the"
S014: "the"
S015: "the"
S016: "the"
S017: "the"
S018: "the"
S019: "It is pitch dark, and you can't see a thing."
S020: "As good-looking as ever."
S021: "Nameless item"
S022: "your former self"
S023: "WHAT!? Why'd we just die here?"
S024: "Oh, I get it! It's a "dead" end! See?"
S025: "Matt Barringer made a funny!"
S026: "MIKE: "
S027: "TOM:  "
S028: "CROW: "
S029: "ALL:  "
S030: "CROW & TOM: "
S031: "MIKE & CROW: "
S032: "GYPSY: "
S033: "FRANK: "
S034: "DR.F: "
S035: "FRANK'S VOICE: "
S036: "DR.F'S VOICE: "
S037: "MAGIC VOICE: "
S038: "      "
S039: "So is this guy Commissioner Gordon, or what?"
S040: "Yeaterday? Is that like Veterans' Day?"
S041: "Which would only serve to counteract the GOOD publicity brought about by
the mayor's death!"
S042: "Tonight, on "The X-Files!""
S043: "Uh...haven't we been through this already?"
S044: "Thanks for clearing that up."
S045: "[Snide] Oh, the great Matt Barringer!"
S046: "You never get tired of that line, do you, Crow?"
S047: "We've been warned, fellas."
S048: "We'll do that, Matt. We'll do that."
S049: "We don't, okay? Deal with it."
S050: "Who ya gonna call?
"
S051: "GHOSTBUSTERS!!"
S052: "Oh right, like you'd actually NEED hints to win this game."
S053: "Yes, the gun remains here despite the fact that we've already picked it
up."
S054: "How DO you do it, Matt Barringer?"
S055: "Hey, hey, hey! That's "African-American pistol!""
S056: "Oh, it must be auto-reloading."
S057: "Or not. It's not like it matters."
S058: "[Minnesotan voice] Yah, that kinda weather'll take ya by surprise, all
right."
S059: "[Minnesotan voice] Oh, yah, I remember the summer of '58 when it got ta
be this cold."
S060: "[Minnesotan voice] Yah, we musta got at least 8 feet o' snow that day,
and all the streets was closed."
S061: "Sorry, folks, it looks like the door just vanished into thin air."
S062: "Uh, I think you mean "restaurant," Matt."
S063: "Hey, isn't the _street_ back to the east?"
S064: "I thought the _street_ was back this way!"
S065: "Nope, apparently we were mistaken."
S066: "Man, that is one rough T.G.I. Friday's!"
S067: "Didn't it just say we were already IN the house?!"
S068: "[As your character] Where's the body?"
S069: "[As the cop] I ate it."
S070: "But he _already_ admitted us!"
S071: "Why, Mike?! Why does it do this?!"
S072: "Shhh, it's okay, guys."
S073: "Gee, you'd think the upstairs would be UP from here!"
S074: "I thought we just CAME from the west!"
S075: "I don't think this author quite grasped the concept of a two-way door."
S076: "The exact same note you picked up only moments before!"
S077: "It's magic!"
S078: "Wow! A two-way door! We can go back! Check it out, Mike!"
S079: "Any questions?"
S080: "Yeah. Could it technically be considered a note if it _didn't_ have
writing on it?"
S081: "I think he means it was _typed_ on a computer."
S082: "Wait a minute -- the MURDER says something?!"
S083: "I think he means the note."
S084: "It's hard to tell with this game."
S085: "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!"
S086: "Well, at least they're being nice and telling us ahead of time."
S087: "Right, this from Matt "Restraunt" Barringer."
S088: "Because you realize this game could potentially spawn a sequel."
S089: "Say it ain't so, Mike!!"
S090: "I'd like a note, please."
S091: "Paper or plastic, sir?"
S092: "Paper, please."
S093: "Wow, it's like he's reading our minds."
S094: "It is a battered brown piece of wood."
S095: "Well, that'd be great if there actually WAS a forensics lab in this
game."
S096: "Wooden wood -- as opposed to metal wood, stone wood, and plastic wood!"
S097: "The house is so large it is amazing."
S098: "You are amazed by how large the mayor's large house is."
S099: "The amazing largeness of the mayor's large house amazes you."
S100: "None of which you can interact with, so don't bother trying."
S101: "Klaustrophobia? Let's play that instead!"
S102: "Of this game."
S103: "Yes, there IS five bathrooms in this house."
S104: "I bet the mayor needed all those bathrooms because he had to--"
S105: "[Grabs Crow's beak and holds it shut.] Not another word, Crow."
S106: "Oh no, don't tell me you play Mitchell in this game!"
S107: "Mitchell -- ask for him by name!"
S108: "Yes, folks, the knife is right here in plain sight, but you can't see
it."
S109: "Boy, where's Sergeant Duffy when you need him?"
S110: "Except the part that's to the south."
S111: "Do you know who did it? Have you figured it out yet?"
S112: "There is no reason to have this room in the game, but we put it here
anyway."
S113: "Ahh, coming out of the closet!"
S114: "Stop it, Crow."
S115: "I'm starting to get really sick of this hallway."
S116: "Patience, Crow. It can't go on forever."
S117: "Tell me about it."
S118: "What?! He described all that just to tell us there's nothing to do
here?!?"
S119: "I still say this is Matt's best room description so far."
S120: "That's still not saying much."
S121: "Aaaaarrgh! NO!! Get me outta here!!"
S122: "That's it. I'm leaving. [Crow tries to get up, but Mike holds him
back.]"
S123: "What the...? We came in here from the WEST!"
S124: "Try going east."
S125: "[Ominous] We have entered the mysterious Closets of Teleportation!"
S126: "Beam us up, Scotty."
S127: "What the...? We came in here from the EAST!"
S128: "Try going west."
S129: "[Ominous] We have entered the mysterious Closets of Teleportation!"
S130: "Beam us up, Scotty."
S131: "AAAARRRGGHHH!! MAKE IT STOP, MAKE IT STOP, MAKE IT STOP -- [Mike pats
Crow's shoulder reassuringly until he calms down.]"
S132: "North! Go north! Get us out of here!!"
S133: "Yet for some reason they didn't touch the big screen TV in the OTHER
guest room!"
S134: "Yeah, that's what guards typically do. They guard things."
S135: "Hence the name."
S136: "And remodelling is far more important than some petty murder
investigation."
S137: "Oh, thank God that hallway's over with!"
S138: "Hey, guys, I just thought I'd point out once again how this game blends
the room, object, and character descriptions into a muddled mess."
S139: "Thanks for the reminder, Tom."
S140: "It's good when a game lets players make a choice like this."
S141: "Matt Barringer made a wise creative decision here."
S142: "Mike, is it really a dead end if you can go 2 ways?"
S143: "And that's death."
S144: "But it's nice to know that this city has establishments that cater
exclusively to criminals."
S145: "No weapon, no criminal record, no service!"
S146: "Let's make it a Brickbuster night!"
S147: "Wonder if they have "Caligula?""
S148: "Crow!"
S149: "Or maybe "Mandingo.""
S150: "Tom!"
S151: "But the door you came through has mysteriously disappeared."
S152: "Hey, that really deters late-night robberies."
S153: "[Little kid voice] I hafta go to the backroom!"
S154: "Boy, _nothing_ in this game is connected to the crime!"
S155: "What crime were we supposed to be investigating, again?"
S156: "You've got me, Crow."
S157: "What the...? I thought we were OUTSIDE before!"
S158: "Why do I get the feeling that Matt Barringer is just padding out the
game?"
S159: "You know, it's the vivid descriptions that make this game come alive."
S160: "Boy, I could really go for a hamburger sandwich and some French-fried
potatoes!"
S161: "Shouldn't you have ordered first?"
S162: "Nah, this is fast food. It all tastes the same."
S163: "By an astounding coincidence, it's the same one you picked up earlier!"
S164: "This could solve the world hunger problem in no time!"
S165: "Hey, Mike, I just noticed that no one killed us in that restaurant."
S166: "Those thugs probably find fast-food franchises to be too low-class."
S167: "It is a hamburger wrapped in cheap paper."
S168: "Umm, well, you can go north assuming you're still in the McDonald's."
S169: "Is that anything like "wooden wood?""
S170: "No, "wooden wood" is redundant, whereas calling a McDonald's hamburger
"food" is an oxymoron."
S171: "Ah."
S172: "So how many hamburgers can you eat on an empty stomach?"
S173: "Only one. After that your stomach isn't empty!"
S174: "D'OH!!"
S175: "Once again, the social effects of listening to Ice-T's "Cop Killer"
song."
S176: "Mike, I'm lost. Where are we?"
S177: "No! NO!! NO!!"
S178: "Not Mr. B Natural again!"
S179: "Make it stop, Mike!!"
S180: "So are we just grasping at straws now?"
S181: "So, was that man behind the counter the STAFF of the music store? Staff?
Get it?"
S182: "[Groan]"
S183: "Just like the name of this room says."
S184: "Hey, you know anything about the guy I just killed? Did he maybe kill
the mayor, or something?"
S185: "Well, thanks anyway."
S186: "So what exactly did we ask him about?"
S187: "He's already dead and gone, but you walk over to him anyway."
S188: "So he doesn't want you to move, yet he wants you to leave?"
S189: "Assuming you brought it with you, of course."
S190: "The 60's were good to him."
S191: "He is a dazed guy. He says "One more minute mom!""
S192: "What the...?"
S193: "Are we in a different game all of a sudden?!"
S194: "Folks, we have no idea what's going on here, so just undo that last move
and forget about it."
S195: "Oh, so he was the thief from Zork!"
S196: "Or maybe the troll."
S197: "So was that supposed to be the exciting part?"
S198: "No, but it _was_ the game's first puzzle."
S199: "Boy, Matt Barringer is the Coleman Francis of Interactive Fiction."
S200: "This makes "Space Aliens Laughed at my Cardigan" look like "Trinity.""
S201: "Hey, I kind of liked "Space Aliens.""
S202: "So, if "Space Aliens" is Infocom on acid, what's this?"
S203: "Oh, this is Infocom drunk and passed out on the couch."
S204: "What was THAT all about?"
S205: "Of pancakes."
S206: "Gee, you'd think the Chief would've told you where these places were, so
you could avoid them."
S207: "Of pancakes."
S208: "So how come these guys know you're a cop, but the guys who jumped you in
the restaurant didn't know until you flashed your badge?"
S209: "So why didn't the other cops get shot when they came in?"
S210: "So don't put your feet up on the desks."
S211: "Man, you ARE getting desperate!"
S212: "[Rocket J. Squirrel voice] Again?!"
S213: "Do you have the authority to do that?"
S214: "Okay, so we've got crack _and_ FDR. What decade is this supposed to be?"
S215: "[As the prisoner] Cuz I've started diggin' this tunnel so I can -- [As
if covering his mouth to keep from saying any more] oop -- Damn!"
S216: "DA Bears!"
S217: "WHAT?!?"
S218: "Where did we hear THAT?!"
S219: "Wow! And we figured all that out just by entering this room!"
S220: "That was first-class detective work!"
S221: "[Sing] "We don't need no ed-u-ca-tion!""
S222: "Wow! We entered a building without getting killed!"
S223: "So how would we recognize the killer if we saw him? We don't even know
who he is!"
S224: ""Cops" is filmed live on location at Doughnut King!"
S225: "You mean no one's here, and they just left the doors wide open?!"
S226: "Cool! Free coffee for everyone!"
S227: "[Coffee Guy voice] Coffee? I like coffee!"
S228: "Geez, now you ARE acting like Mitchell!"
S229: "[As your character] See my badge? Got my picture on it and everything.
Cool, huh?"
S230: "[Ominous] One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them!"
S231: "Good thing, too, because you don't think you can hold it much longer."
S232: "Should've gone back at the mayor's house."
S233: "WHAT?!?"
S234: "Uh...folks, we're completely lost here too."
S235: "At this point the game has finally thrown up its hands and said, "I just
don't know.""
S236: "You're a detective, so you're trained to notice stuff like that."
S237: "Okay, guys, at this point we need to start piecing together the
information we've gathered. So let's make a list of what we've learned."
S238: "Well, we've learned that the mayor has been murdered."
S239: "Right. Anything else?"
S240: "Ummm...no, I think Tom pretty much covered everything."
S241: "Okay, let's get moving then."
S242: "Because we didn't want to spend time implementing it."
S243: "I bet Matt Barringer spent a whole hour writing this game."
S244: "And no time at all testing it."
S245: "No! No! Not MORE hallways!! Aaaaagh!!"
S246: "[Looking behind him] Huh? Are the theater doors closing?"
S247: "But you can go north for a long way."
S248: "Man, these hallways are the I-F equivalent of "rock climbing.""
S249: "DEEEEP HURRRRRTING! DEEEEEP HUURRRRRRTING!!"
S250: "You are at a dead end. there is nothing to do but go west."
S251: "Hit me."
S252: "Hit me."
S253: "Hit me."
S254: "Damn, I'm busted."
S255: "Can _I_ hit him, Mike? PLEASE??"
S256: "Sit tight, guys. It's almost over."
S257: "Man, I'm starting to long for the good old days of Bert I. Gordon, Roger
Corman, and Sandy Frank."
S258: "But we just wanted to check out the room!"
S259: "Man, that killer is EVERYWHERE!"
S260: "Like God."
S261: "Only evil."
S262: "But he does have the same aura of mystery about him."
S263: "The first indication that the author has looked back at any of his
previous writing!"
S264: "Yeah, why start now, this close to the end?"
S265: "What the...?"
S266: "That's IT?!?"
S267: "We sat through the whole game for THIS?!?!"
S268: "Yep, this is the kind of ending that you want to read twice."
S269: "So you go home and watch the Whitewater hearings and the O.J. Simpson
trial until the feeling passes."
S270: "And now we've got "Jurassic Park" and FDR!"
S271: "Uh, guys..."darned" isn't exactly the adjective I'd choose here."
S272: "But just aren't very good at making them."
S273: "God help us all."
S274: "For the last time, we don't!"
S275: "If I remember right, they DID ask for money way back at the start."
S276: "Who ya gonna call?"
S277: "GHOSTBUSTERS!"
S278: "All hail, Matt Barringer!"
S279: "[As Nathaniel Smith] Hey, guys, let's make a really crappy text
adventure with no puzzles in it!"
S280: "If you ever meet any of these people, please do us all a favor and put
them out of their misery."
S281: "Uh...Matt, buddy, I think it's time you got yourself some new idea
people."
S282: "And the crowd goes wild!"
S283: "[Subdued] Yaaaaay."
S284: "So, do you think this game was hard-boiled, like Dr. Forrester said?"
S285: "No, I personally thought it was over-easy!"
S286: "D'OH!!"
S287: "Lemme at him, Mike! Lemme at him!"
S288: "So did either of you guys see anything here remotely connected to
detectives?"
S289: "Nope, can't say I did."
S290: "You know, the AGT parser was _ideal_ for making this game."
S291: "I wonder if Matt Barringer ever considered making the killer more
realistic. Like, I dunno, maybe giving him a _name_, or something."
S292: "I think there are some questions better left unasked."
S293: "That's a good point, Crow."
S294: "Well, c'mon, guys, we gotta go."
S295: "I still liked this game WAY better than "Leather Goddesses of Phobos
2.""
S296: "Oh, yeah, definitely."
S297: "Shut up, Servo. That's not funny!"
S298: "Geez, what's _your_ problem?"
S299: "Well, when you come right down to it, I thought the writing was one of
the strong points of this game."
S300: "Oh, for me it was the intense and addictive gameplay that just left you
begging for more."
S301: "You guys are CRAZY, you know that? Just plain no-holds-barred,
out-of-your-minds, seats-of-honor-at-the-local-funny-farm-convention CRAZY!
This game was terrible! It was torture! I mean, LOOK AT IT!! You get sent to
investigate the mayor's murder, but you never see his body or even learn his
name, and his house is scattered with weird useless items preceded by stupid
adjectives, including a knife that's there but you "
S302: "CAN'T EVEN PICK IT UP!! Then you go through about a million hallways
that never lead anywhere, closets that TELEPORT YOU AROUND LIKE THE STARCROSS
DISKS, AND IN HALF THE ROOMS YOU GET KILLED SIMPLY BY ENTERING THEM, AND WITH
ONE OF THEM YOU LEARN EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT THE KILLER SIMPLY BY
ENTERING IT, AND THEN YOU RUN THROUGH A MILLION _MORE_ STUPID HALLWAYS AND YOU
CATCH THE KILLER AND THAT'S THE _END_!!! BUT YOU ONLY CATCH _ONE_ KILLER, AND
THERE'S A NOTE IN THE MAYOR'S HOUSE THAT SAYS THEY'RE A _GROUP_ OF VIGILANTES
AND THEN MATT BARRINGER TELLS US TO LOOK IT UP WHEN IT'S PAINFULLY OBVIOUS THAT
HE HAS AN EVEN SMALLER VOCABULARY THAN THIS GAME!!!!! AND THEN THERE'S THE
SCENE IN THE CELLS WHERE YOU JUST ASK EVERYONE IF THEY KNOW ANYTHING!!!! AND
THE MUSIC STORE!!! WHAT THE _HELL_ WAS THE POINT OF KILLING THE GUY IN THE
MUSIC STORE?!?!? NOTHING MADE _ANY_ SENSE, I TELL YOU!!!!!! AND WHEN IT'S ALL
OVER, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW _WHY_ OR _HOW_ THE KILLER DID IT!!!!!!!"
S303: "Wow, sounds like he's taking this pretty hard."
S304: "Well, I know what will cheer him up. [Goes over to Gypsy at one of the
computers.] Gypsy's been working on another game while we've been in the
theater."
S305: "Yaaaay! "Richard Basehart Adventure II!" Yaaaaaaay!!"
S306: "C'mon, check it out, Crow!"
S307: "NO!! YOU KEEP THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!! I'M NEVER TOUCHING ANOTHER TEXT
ADVENTURE AGAIN -- NEVER, EVER, EVER, AS LONG AS I LIVE, AND YOU CAN'T MAKE
ME!!!!"
S308: "Gee, sounds like Crow's a little upset."
S309: "Well, I hope you're happy, Dr. F, now that you've alienated him from
Interactive Fiction forever."
S310: "Yeah, how 'bout a little more science and less mystery next time, huh?"
S311: "Ah, very cute, my little brass lantern. But do you really think you can
quit I-F that easily? Your little friend will come back to it, Nelson, and then
I'll send him _another_ game like this. And another! And ANOTHER! [Laughs
evilly.] Push the button, Frank. [Pause] Frank?"
S312: "Sorry, but I can't see any 'button' here."
S313: "Oh, will you just drop it, Frank?!"
S314: "I'm not carrying that."
S315: "[Sighs with exasperation, then picks up a game manual and glances at
it.] Okay, let's see now... Ah, here it is! The special magic word that'll make
Frank push the button. 'XYZZY.'"
S316: "It is now pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue."
S317: "I'll get you for this, Frank. I swear it."
S318: "Welcome to the MST3K1 "Silver Screen Edition!"

     We Begin with Some Legal Crap that Lawyers Will Enjoy
     Next, a Welcoming Introduction
     About the Original MST3K1
     About the MST3K1 Silver Screen Edition
     An MST3K Primer
     Other thoughts on "Detective"
     On the Not-Quite-Making of MST3K2
     An Interview with Matt Barringer!!!
"
S319: "[to Cambot] Oh, hi everyone, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm
Mike Nelson. My robots Crow, Tom Servo, and Gypsy recently got ahold of an I-F
programming language called Inform, and they're just about to unveil their very
first text adventures. Let's take a look."
S320: "[Excited] Oh! Oh! Me first! Me first! Oh, oh, oh! Me, me, me!"
S321: "Would you like to go first, Crow?"
S322: "[A bit reluctantly] Ummm...well, I guess so."
S323: "Okay, let's see what you've got. [Reads.] "The roar of rotating blades
thunders in your ears as the chopper descends into the thick undergrowth of the
jungle below. Fearlessly, you strap on a belt laced with grenades and sling
your M-16 over your shoulder, the urge to kill quickening your pulse until you
feel positively invincible. The chopper swings into a landing, and you leap
out, determined to rescue the POWs and prove yourself a hero to the proud
nation in which you were born and raised." Wow, this is really exciting, Crow.
Great introduction."
S324: "Umm, it's not done yet, Mike."
S325: "Oh, there's more? [Taps the <Enter> key, then continues reading.] "A
squadron of armed enemy troops, dressed in camouflauge, leap out of the
surrounding undergrowth. You fire round upon round at them, lacing each body
with a string of bullets that shatters bones and sprays the nearby foliage a
bright crimson. When the last one drops dead at your feet, you race through the
jungle to a village of grass huts, plastering any who dare stand in your way.
The earth is stained red with the blood of the enemy!""
S326: "[Interrupting] This is my favorite part, right here!"
S327: "[Continues reading.] "Emerging into the village, you dodge gunfire while
lobbing grenades at enemy soldiers! Explosions rock the land! Bullets and
bodies fly everywhere! The carnage continues for hours. Then, suddenly, a
profound silence. You race into the center of the POW camp and smash open the
front gates. You lead the prisoners back to the clearing, where the chopper is
waiting. You fly back to the states and are awarded the Medal of Honor for your
heroism! Congratulations!""
S328: "[Pleased] Well? Whadya think?"
S329: "Umm, Crow? Don't you think this game could use a few puzzles?"
S330: "[A little embarassed] Oh yeah, heh heh. I guess I sort of got carried
away there. I was watching "Rambo" earlier, and one thing led to another..."
S331: "We'll be right back."
S332: "Well, I thought it was a good first try, Crow."
S333: "Really? You really liked it, Mike?"
S334: "Of course I did. Now let's see what Gypsy's been up to. [Reads Gypsy's
screen.] "Richard Basehart Adventure, by Gypsy.""
S335: "Yaaaaay! Richard Basehart! Richard Basehart!"
S336: "[Calms Gypsy down, then continues reading.] "You are standing in Richard
Basehart's house. Richard Basehart is here." Okay, let's see... [Types.]
"EXAMINE RICHARD BASEHART." [Reads.] "You see nothing special." Well, let's
try... [Types.] "TALK TO RICHARD BASEHART." [Reads.] "Nothing happens." Hmmm.
Would you mind giving me a clue here, Gypsy?"
S337: ""KISS RICHARD BASEHART?""
S338: "[Types.] Okay, "KISS RICHARD BASEHART." [Reads.] It says, "You win.""
S339: "Yaaaaaay! Richard Basehart! Richard Basehart! Yaaaaaaay!"
S340: "That's IT?! Geez, not very good."
S341: "Oh, you're really one to talk, Crow. At least she included some actual
interactivity in hers!"
S342: "Ahh, bite me, Servo!"
S343: "Cut it out, guys. We still haven't seen Tom's game yet."
S344: "Check this out, Mike! His screen's completely blank! He hasn't typed a
thing! [Snickers to himself.]"
S345: "I can't help it! My arms don't work!!"
S346: "Loser."
S347: "[On the verge of tears.] Shut up, just SHUT UP!!"
S348: "Uh-oh, cool it, guys. Looks like Duncanthrax and Dimwit Flathead are
calling."
S349: "Ah, greetings, "Aunt Jemima." I see you and your little friends have
discovered the joys of Interactive Fiction. Guess I have no choice but to
reveal to you the darker side of it with this week's experiment! But first, the
Invention Exchange. Frank?"
S350: "Thanks, Steve. Well, Mike, as you know, one of the biggest frustrations
with text adventures is the terminology. Let's face it, sometimes you  just
can't guess what words the author wants you to use when you type  your
commands."
S351: "That's why we've come up with this little device I like to call the
"Fictionary." Basically, it's a translator that feeds the recognized vocabulary
of an adventure game directly into your brain. That way, you always know which
words will work and which ones won't."
S352: "See, how it works is, one end of the Fictionary [Indicates the strange
device.] has a coax cable running into this cyber-helmet you wear over your
head. [Puts the helmet on.] The other end is wired to the hard drive and
motherboard of this computer, and it interprets the game file and sends the
processed vocabulary directly into your mind."
S353: "[To Mike] It's really quite technical, booby, so don't strain your
little mind trying to comprehend it."
S354: "Here, check it out."
S355: "Frank?"
S356: "Sorry, but I don't know the word 'Frank.'"
S357: "[A little alarmed] Frank, what's happening?"
S358: "Sorry, but I don't know the word 'happening.'"
S359: "What the...? [Opens the computer case and looks inside.] Frank, you
numbskull, you wired it all wrong! [Explanatory, to Mike and bots.] It's
sending the parser itself into his brain. Right now, Frank thinks he's a ZIP
interpreter."
S360: "I don't understand. Please try rephrasing that."
S361: "[A little embarrassed] As you can see, we still haven't gotten all the
bugs worked out..."
S362: "I can't go that way."
S363: "Wow. Now THAT'S weird."
S364: "Well, Dr. F, here's our invention. Basically, we've come up with a fun
new method of measuring force between two objects in contact with each other."
S365: "See, you take two objects, such as this box of Wild Rebels cereal and
Joey the Lemur, load one into each of these arms here... [Mike does so] ...and
run a simple computer program."
S366: "As you can see, it analyzes the forces at work and presents you with a
whole sheet of raw data based on its observations. We call it "Interactive
Friction!""
S367: "And the computer program is a "SLIP Interpreter!""
S368: "What do you think, Sirs?"
S369: ""Interactive Friction?" I don't get it."
S370: "[Dismissively] Oh, never mind, Frank. They're just toying with you.
[Turns back to face Mike and the bots.] Well, "Michael Berlyn," your experiment
today is a little piece of Interactive Tripe with an astoundingly infantile
storyline and no puzzles to speak of."
S371: "[Sarcastially, to Crow] Now why does _that_ sound familiar?"
S372: "Don't make me hurt you, Servo."
S373: "[Continuing] It's a hard-boiled little program called "Detective," and
it will make you wish you'd never _heard_ of text adventures. And so, as the
Implementors say, "Feel Free" -- to DIE! [Laughs evilly.] Frank, send them the
game."
S374: "Sorry, but I don't know the word 'game.'"
S375: "[Sighs.] Frank, do you really want me to kill you a third time today?"
S376: "Sorry, but I don't know the word 'today'."
S377: "Do you know the word 'PAIN,' Frank? Endless, intense, excruciating PAIN?
Now take that thing off and push the button!"
S378: "[Looks around.] Sorry, but I can't see any 'button' here."
S379: "[Exasperated] Oh, for the love of God..."
S380: "Oh, we've got MOVIE SIGN!!!"
S381: "Mystery Science Theater 3000, Game 101, Reel 1!"
S382: "Legal Crap"
S383: "Welcome to MST3K1"
S384: "About MST3K1"
S385: "About the Silver Screen Edition"
S386: "MST 101"
S387: "Thoughts on "Detective""
S388: "The Not-Quite-Making of MST3K2"
S389: "Interview with Matt Barringer!!!"
S390: "[Calls off to the left.] Okay, it's ready!"
S391: "[To Cambot.] Oh, hi everyone. Mike Nelson here, on the Satellite of
Love. Crow T Robot here is just about to show me the latest update of his first
I-F adventure."
S392: "I think you'll really like it this time. I've added a map and puzzles
and everything! See for yourself. [He moves so that Mike can sit.]"
S393: "[Reads.] "The roar of rotating blades thunders in your ears as the
chopper descends into the thick undergrowth--""
S394: "[Interrupting.] I haven't changed the intro. You can just skip it."
S395: "[Taps <ENTER> a few times.] Okay, let's see... [Reads.] "Suddenly, an
armed soldier leaps out of the brush and points a rifle at your head." [Types.]
"SHOOT SOLDIER." [Reads.] "The soldier collapses in a twisted heap, in a pool
of his own blood. Another soldier leaps out of the brush and points a rifle at
your head." [Thinks a moment, then types.] "AGAIN." [Reads.] "The soldier
collapses in a twisted heap, in a pool if his own blood. Another soldier
leaps--""
S396: "Well? How's it look?"
S397: "[Still reading and typing.] "ANOTHER soldier leaps out of the brush
and--""
S398: "[To Cambot.] Umm, we'll be right back."
S399: "C'mon, Crow, it's a good start, but you need to put more variety into
your puzzles."
S400: "I guess you're right. But, hey, did I tell you my title? I'm calling it
"Your Mother Wears InfoCombat Boots." Get it?"
S401: "Yeah, but I wish I didn't."
S402: "Who asked you, Bubble-Head?"
S403: "[Seeing the fight coming and trying to stop it.] Okay, okay, let's not
start this again."
S404: "[To Tom.] I'll get you later, mister. [Moves to type on the computer.]
Check this out, too, Mike. I realized the interactive potential of some of my
old screenplays, so I dug 'em out and started adapting them. [Moves aside so
Mike can see the screen.] This is my first one. "Earth vs. Soup Interactive!""
S405: "You have GOT to be kidding me. "Earth vs. Soup INTERACTIVE?!""
S406: "Yeah, it's great! I kept the same plot from my screenplay -- the one
about the earth being taken over by a giant pot of California Cornucopia
Vegetable Jubilee -- but now instead of just watching, you can participate
firsthand in the relentless abject terror of it all!"
S407: "If you two will excuse me, I'm going to go hang myself."
S408: "Wanna see it?"
S409: "Later, Crow. Right now, Plato and Floyd are calling."
S410: "[Turning to them.] Ah, hello once again, Perry Simm. You're just in time
to witness the unveiling of my latest invention."
S411: "That's right, Your Zorkiness. Y'see, Mike, the good doctor and I have
long lamented the fact that the nifty gadgets you find in text adventures
aren't available in the real world."
S412: "But, being the brilliant intellectuals that we are -- well, I am,
anyway... [Frank just looks dazed here.] ...we came up with a real-world
incarnation of a classic I-F object, updated for the 90s. [He holds up a
sword.] Behold, o insignificant ones, the Sword of Chagrin! [He holds the sword
high.]"
S413: "[Stepping in front of Dr Forrester to ruin his moment.] See, in the
classic Zork Trilogy, your sword would glow blue if you were close to anything
immediately life-threatening. But we've modified the concept for today's
society, so that the Sword of Chagrin will glow if you're about  to do
something really stupid and humiliating, thus giving you a chance  to catch it
before you embarrass yourself. Check it out. [He turns and gives the sword back
to Dr Forrester. It glows blue in his hand.]"
S414: "Yes, thank you, Frank. Now, you can't see me clearly at the moment,
since I'm behind Frank, but if I step out in the open... [He does so. The sword
glows brighter.] ...you'll see that my fly is unzipped. But the blue glow of
the Sword of Chagrin has warned me about it, thus...ummm..."
S415: "...thus...umm...saving me from the embarrassment of...uhh...being seen
with my fly unzipped... [He turns away and quickly zips it up, then turns to
Frank, who is also snickering.] Aww, shut up, Frank! [He swings the sword at
Frank's head, but Frank ducks.]"
S416: "Wow, what a co-inky-dink! Our invention this week is also based on the
Zork Trilogy!"
S417: "That's right, Dr F, and boy are you in for a surprise! [Turns to the
left.] C'mon, everyone, Tom, Gypsy, get in here! [Tom and Gypsy arrive.] We got
our idea from the vehicles in Zork I and II that move when you give them voice
commands. So we reprogrammed the Satellite of Love to accept I-F commands, and
now we're coming back to Earth!"
S418: "All right, everybody ready? Good. Okay, Satellite, take us DOWN! [He
types this last command on the computer keyboard.]"
S419: "I can't go that way."
S420: "What?"
S421: "Huh?"
S422: "Okay, okay, let's try it another way. [Types.] Take us EAST, over the
United States."
S423: "I can't go that way."
S424: "Aww, c'mon, no! I worked for months on this!!"
S425: "Bring up the code for a sec, Mike. Let's see...Ah, here's your problem.
You've configured the satellite to use the standard text-adventure compass. But
we're in space, so directions like "down" and "east" are completely
meaningless!"
S426: "Yep, that's the problem all right. The directional objects are fully
integrated into the ship's guidance system. It'll take you months to fix it,
Mike."
S427: "Aww, and we were so close, too!"
S428: "[Makes an effort to compose himself, though the disappointment is
tremendous.] Well...well, just you wait, Dr F! We almost had it that time. Next
time for sure!"
S429: "Oh, step out of your little fantasy world, Nelson."
S430: "And step INTO another one, with this week's experiment, "The Caverns of
Chaos." It's an irritating, unpleasant-to-look-at, bug-infested,
sloppily-programmed little waste of archive space from the bowels of
interactive hell."
S431: "It's a pointless, moronic, insipid hyperfiction fantasy quest packed
with instant death and a nonsensical layout, brought to you from the days when
BASIC was still considered a real computer language."
S432: "You've heard of the two-word parser? Say hello to the one-word parser."
S433: "And on top of all that, it's just really, really bad."
S434: "Hope it feeds your worst nightmares, Poopsie! Send 'em the game, Frank."
S435: "Sometimes it's just TOO easy."
S436: "[Trying to console Mike.] Awww, c'mon, Mike. It's not so bad. Say, did I
mention I was also thinking of adapting my "Peter Graves at the University of
Minnesota" script?"
S437: "Oh, we've got--"
S438: "MOVIE SIGGGGNNNN!!!"
S439: "Oh, by the way, "The Caverns of Chaos" is a DnD type text adventure
game."
S440: "So, I understand that "The Caverns of Chaos" is a DnD type text
adventure game?"
S441: "Did I mention that "The Caverns of Chaos" is a DnD type text adventure
game? I can't stress that enough!"
S442: "For those of you who've just joined us, "The Caverns of Chaos" is a DnD
type text adventure game."
S443: "An example of a DnD type text adventure game would be "The Caverns of
Chaos.""
S444: "A DnD type text adventure game is the type of text adventure game that
"The Caverns of Chaos" is."
S445: "So...WHAT type of text adventure game is "The Caverns of Chaos?""
S446: "A DnD type text adventure game."
S447: "Yeah, see, Dr F? Throw us all the bad games you've got! We can take 'em!
What do you think, sirs?"
S448: "I don't understand it, Frank! This game was most miserable piece of
dreck on the archive, and look at them! They had a ball with it! This is a
major humiliation for us, Frank!"
S449: "[With sudden realization.] Ohhh! [Holds up the Sword of Chagrin, which
is glowing brightly.] So THAT'S why this crazy thing was glowing through the
whole experiment! It was trying to warn us! [Laughs.] Boy, this WAS
embarrassing! [Meekly.] At least it works, though."

[End of text]

[End of file]